But also ... Pittsburgh

 Before I move on, I've gotta tell you about driving through Pittsburgh on my way home.

I had made an appointment with a mechanic to get some of the electric issues sorted. It was at the only other RV place in the US that sells this brand camper and it happened to be just south of Pittsburgh. So I called, Kay Day, a friend and former PCUSA mission co-worker, and spent the weekend at her house. 
Oh - but where to park? Kay's house is on a no-parking street and I'm not backing my camper either up or down her short driveway. Fortunately for me, Kay is friendly. She talked to her neighbor on the corner and asked him to help her save two spaces with his car and hers. It was perfect - the first spots after turning left onto another one-way street (most streets in Pgh are). His car was gone by the time I got there and Kay had taken up two spaces, so as I pulled up, Kay pulled her car out. 

And that's where Blue and Red camped while Gabi and I had a regular bed in a regular house back around the corner and up the street a bit.

And then Monday came. The GPS wanted me to make the first (very tight) right hand turn onto a cobble-stone road. I knew GPS lady could figure out a better route, so I kept straight. And she did. But it's still Pittsburgh - narrow one-way streets, left-hand turns onto busy two-lane roads, and then a ramp up onto the highway. Traffic zooming by on my left. Blinker on, I moved forward and got in lane. Pretty soon my route veers off to the right and merges in with a couple (was it three?) lanes of traffic on my right. Of course, a horn blared. I ignored it. Because I had to get all the way over to the right across all those lanes to get onto the Parkway East going towards the Squirrel Hill Tunnel - which was under construction. 

But look. Big old tractor trailers do this all the time. I can get my little Jeep and little camper into this traffic. And if anyone wants to blare their horn at me - go ahead and blare. I won't hear it! 

A big sigh as I get onto the Parkway in the right-hand lane. I'm driving peacefully along in the right-hand lane and suddenly I realize the sign above my head says, "exit only". Oops. Gotta move left or I'll end up in Oakland and have to navigate around Pitt and CMU. Hold it steady and use your blinker, I tell myself. Lucky for me the driver behind me hung back a bit. I got over and then ... the "construction ahead" signs. I stayed in my lane ending up in the middle lane. And that's where I stayed, they can all merge around me!

And yes, I aimed my phone and clicked a couple pictures, too!

The tunnel is not as scary as it seems. No cars coming head-on, and, because of the construction, none on either side. Just construction barriers and a wall. 

When I finally saw the brightness at the end of the tunnel I started breathing again - because, don't you know, you always hold your breath going through tunnels! 

As I emerged into the sunlight, my hand shot up and I did a one-handed high-five to the empty seat beside me! "Did you see that, Michael!?!" I said. 

He would have squeezed my hand on the gear-shift. 

Grief comes in Waves

 The last time I was at the beach, I went into the water and standing about waist high I was jumping and "riding" waves with my kids and grandkids. The last time I ever did that (and am ever likely to try it again) I jumped up caught a wave - or rather the wave caught me, slammed me down to the floor of the ocean, yanked all my breath out of me, and receded as if nothing happened.

People have told me, "grief comes in waves". I guess I assumed that meant that it comes sweeping over you, you cry for a few hours or maybe a day, and then it passes.

After a week at New Wilmington Mission Conference, I spent some time with my sister in northern PA, then a wonderful, quiet few days in Cook Forest, not far from my sister's place, with just Gabi. We walked in the woods, slept in late, cooked dinner on the induction stove. I didn't have the energy to build a fire. I wrote a lot, thought a lot, prayed a lot, worked on my yarn project a lot, and cried some, too. Michael would have built a fire. 

Then I came home. It was about a week after my birthday and a week before the 41st anniversary of our wedding. I walked in the house, sighed a deep sigh and slept well in my bed - our bed - that night. I woke up crying in the morning. Amira had been away and returned that evening. I cried. I cried all the next week up till the day of our anniversary. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. 

On our anniversary I remembered last year. On my birthday last year, Michael noted (somehow) that he hadn't gotten me anything. Gifts were important to him. Then he said very clearly, "That's where we are now." He couldn't smile for our anniversary picture. I just miss him so much this year. 

The wave has receded. I emerged out of breath, but I'm ok. I prayed. I journaled. 

Grief comes in waves. I don't ever want to go into the ocean again.

Blues Fade to Greens

 

For more than a week after the conference, I spent a week at my sister's house camping on their driveway beside the house. I was hoping to work out the glitch in my solar system. It was peaceful for me - not alone, but still living alone in my portable house. 

The Hamm's (Peggy, my sister, and her husband, Glenn) house is surrounded by woods. One neighbor's house is visible, if you stare hard enough through the foliage. With music planted against my eardrums, I wandered the woods contemplating my help that comes, not from the hills or the trees, but from the One who created it all and loves it all ... and me. They were hard days, but in many ways very green days.

Just some green pictures. 

Remnants of the 150 year old oil boom.

They were blue, blue days, but I found goodness in the grace of the green around me. 

And then a quiet several days in Cook Forest alone with Gabi and more green.

PCUSA Mission Continues

Since my last post, I've had several driving and camping adventures. The first one was a week at New Wilmington Mission Conference. 

My main job with the conference was to welcome the 2025 PCUSA Mission Co-workers, the ones who lost their positions when the PCUSA leadership decided to do mission "differently". They all needed a big hug. The mission networks along with the conference, through an event we called With You Always, did that. Sharon Curry, a colleague from several years ago, and I hosted a welcome room. 

For 120 Years the New Wilmington Mission Conference has been a gathering place for Presbyterian missionaries (or co-workers) and people interested in cross-cultural mission. It has been a place where those seeking direction have found inspiration and heard God's call to Go into all the world.

As a mission network convener (The Ethiopia Mission Network) I was part of a small group of people who organized the gathering of the 2025 Mission Co-workers and the time of public lament followed by conversations of hope, discernment, and commitment. The NWMC theme this year, planned more than a year in advance, was Matthew 28:18-20. In the With You Always gathering we promised to continue support for those whose positions ended, but whose call had not; we promised to continue relationships with international partners, and we remembered the source of our calling and the promise that Jesus is with us to the end of the age. 

The With You Always event was held during the "free-time" hours in the afternoon of two conference days, July 21 & 22. The time of lament, led prayerfully by Dr. James Taneti of Union Presbyterian Seminary in Richmond, VA, was moving, powerful, and sobering as many losses were named by the mission co-workers and others. We moved from lament to hope as we began to think about new possibilities. Hunter Farrell of Pittsburgh Seminary led us in the second day's conversations discerning possible options for sending and being sent and then we ended the conversation making prayerful commitments to using our gifts to continue engaging in incarnational relationship-building work to follow Jesus command to Go into all the world.

It was good to be with many former mission colleagues. It was hard to look around and see groups of Michael's friends laughing and talking without him. 

I continue to meet with the With You Always planning team to keep talking about ways Presbyterians will continue to support God's work in many places in the world.

After a week away, it was good to be reunited with my Gabi at my sister's house.